I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
