I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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