You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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