9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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