good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
