I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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