His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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