Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
