Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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