a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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