I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
