...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
