Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
