Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you win again, gameday.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
