Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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