I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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