Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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