I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
