Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have aggressive nipples.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
