Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
