Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
