I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you never un-have a 4some
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
