I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
