thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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