Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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