pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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