he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
