I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
