conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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