i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my shit smells like andre
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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