honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
