3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Your tits are I can't wait for
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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