Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
