If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the liver wants what the liver wants
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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