I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
