Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
