They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
