she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
