Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
