so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
