im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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