remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
