I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
