I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
