i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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