They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
