pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
