In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
