3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
