I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im part way to drunk.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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