Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
