just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
