Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
