meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
